Mothers and Daughters
One of my readers asked me to speak about issues that ‘test’ the mother-daughter relationship, such as divorce and single motherhood. I can only speak from my own ‘expert’ experience and will share my reflections, knowing that every woman’s experience is different. I want to start by saying that I believe the relationship between a mother and daughter is complex, more so than any other relationship. Victoria Secunda says it well when she states:
“A daughter is a mother’s gender partner, her closet ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self. And mothers are their daughters’ role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships”. Mothers and daughters are intertwined on all levels… spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. This kind of connection has profound effects on whom we choose to become as women and as future mothers. When Maddie was little I wrote this poem, entitled, Who Knew:
Who knew that your birth would be a re-birthing of my soul?
That your joy would double mine ~
That your tears would cause me pain ~
That your smiles would melt my heart ~
That your questions would pose more questions for me ~
That your answers would help me grow ~
That your growth would swell me with pride ~
That your sheer existence gives me reason for mine ~
That your love I could never live without …
I love you so.
I have never loved another soul with this intensity and with such a longing responsibility to be a good mother. So, as Maddie being an extension of myself, I remember always wanting her to be the “much improved and better” version of myself. That was actually a mantra of mine that I shared with Maddie when she was little, and I continue to repeat to her on occasion to this day. And guess what … she is so much more than I ever was! When I made the decision to divorce I was worried about what kind of negative effects it would have on our relationship. What I discovered was not negative, just a shift in how Maddie and me learned to grow together under different circumstances. Single motherhood afforded us the following:
1. Alone time together There was no one to distract our attention to the other. We divorced when Maddie was 5 years old, so when she was with me, it was always just her and I. She had me all to herself. There was more time to spend in closeness, activity and play. I must admit that there were times I was completely exhausted after working all day, picking her up from school, making her dinner, helping with any homework, play time, bath time, story and bed time. I remember the evenings when we’d be watching a Disney movie and my body would start to “recline” into the horizontal position. That would be the moment when Maddie would yell at me to SIT UP! because she knew I’d be out cold if my head hit the sofa pillow. Being a single child, we were each other’s playmate. Some how we figured out that being your child’s playmate is different from being her friend. Once play was done, I went right back to being Mom. As she grew into her pre-teen years, she developed friendships with girls and boys her age and didn’t require my play time as much. And by the way, Maddie also experienced this alone time with her Dad, which I think resulted in her feeling extremely close to both of us today.
2. The Mother-Friend ratio It wasn’t until Maddie was an adolescent that I started to worry about fuzzy boundaries between being a Mom and being a friend. I believe our friendship developed from how I listened to her when she wanted to talk about things in her life. Remember saying to yourself that “I will never be like my mother” when you wanted to mother your child in a more loving way? My mother never encouraged communication from me when I was young. In fact, she would mostly disgrace my thoughts and feelings. It wasn’t until I was a young adult that my Mom and I actually started talking about meaningful things and developed a loving bond. I promised myself that I would always listen without judgment to whatever Maddie had to say, no matter how difficult it was for me to hear. And believe me – there were moments when she even prefaced the conversations with … “Mom, this might be too much ‘tmi’ (too much information) for you, but….! I would silently scream and brace myself with a smile and then quietly listen to what she had to share. I would then respond in a way that was as loving and accepting as I could offer up. I would remember all the bad decisions made and wayward actions I took when I was her age … having no one to talk to about them. My strategy seems to have worked because we still talk about everything today. We are mostly best friends now, but I still call in the Mom card when it is needed. I must admit … some of those ‘tmi’ conversations … mmmmm …maybe I can convince Maddie to do a video blog with me, sharing some of those hilarious and heart-felt conversations! Are you up for it?
3. Dating Dating as a single mom adds a whole new dimension to a mother-daughter relationship. Maddie already had a very involved Dad who served as a great role model for her. If what they say is true about girls marrying someone who is similar to their Daddy (on both the positive and negative spectrum), then I had no worries that Maddie would marry a good man … and she absolutely did. However, that still didn’t stop me from asking myself what kind of man I wanted to expose my daughter to. The answer was simple … a man that embodied all the positively perfect qualities I wanted in a partner. So, in working with a wonderfully effective therapist, I learned values of self-worth and self-love and developed a knowing of what love truly meant and felt like. I never brought a man home that didn’t mean something to me and I never allowed a man to sleep over while Maddie was there. I believe her Dad held the same beliefs. Madison and I have always lived in a symbiotic world ~ a profoundly unconditional interdependent relationship that nourishes, embraces, and beautifies us whether we are together or not. We had our moments of frustration and misunderstanding over the years, but it never took us long to come together to talk things through to loving resolution. Today, both of our men understand and respect our need for togetherness and communion. We delight in long conversations over lunch, use social media to stay in daily contact, and take short weekend trips together a few times a year. Our favorite excursion is usually the wine country where we have the space and time to just drink ‘us’ all in. We feel blessed in every way. “Mothers of daughters are daughters of mothers and have remained so, in circles joined to circles, since time began”. ~Signe Hammer
Wow, Leigh! I always felt you had a sweet and genuine soul. Now I know. I look forward to more posts! Love you, girl!
I have always admired your relationship. I see how Maddie mirrors the respect she has for you in her other female relationships. She has always given me , respect, kindness and love. I tam blessed.