Friendship in Fiji

All good friends should spend some time together in Fiji. Why? Because this island’s greatest gift is that of friendship. We are on Beqa Island where there are no phones, no television, and due to a recent tropical storm, no internet. There is no town, no shops. Our resort is the only commercial property on the island. We eat all our meals together in a large room without walls called a bure. Our only form of entertainment is talking and spending time together. A community is offered up to you and you have the choice to engage or remain separate and solitary. Most of us choose community. When we do, it ignites an innate sense of connectedness that is part of our spiritual nature … and joy naturally appears. For me, it is sometimes difficult to engage and I find myself struggling … do I challenge my comfort zone and reach out, or do I remain safe within my quiet solitary inner world? Every time I choose my comfort zone I lose an opportunity to grow in communion with others. Every time I choose to engage with others, I am met with a surprising sense of joyful belonging. I’ve wondered about my shyness over the years … how it came about, how it has served me, and how it now hinders my new sense of being in the world. I look back on my young life growing up in an alcoholic family, one reft with secrets, uncertainty, depression, and lack of warmth or physical affection. I remember wondering why I wasn’t loved in return when I would reach out for positive affirmation for something I did or said. When I was an adult and asked my mother why she never gave praise or emotional support, she told me that she was afraid of spoiling me. So I learned at a young age that I was less than special and that somehow I was not lovable. It was safer for me to learn quietness and stillness when around others. That way they wouldn’t know that I wasn’t worthy of love. I learned that my vulnerability translated into weakness,so I withdrew socially in order to appear like everyone else. If only I had believed in my loveliness … I would have saved myself from unnecessary brokenness and the shyness I still struggle with today. However, back in my youth it served my need to feel safe and loved. Today I know that I am loved and lovable. I now tell my shyness that it once served me well and is no longer required. Friendship is what I need and long for now. And on this lovely isolated island I am reveling in it. We met friends here. My friendship with Ginette and Craig has spanned more than thirty years. They knew me when I was married to Doug and loved us both. They have always made me feel loved … even when they struggled to like me much. They were one of those rare couples that made the commitment to continue loving both of us despite my decision to divorce. It was hard on them at times. I certainly didn’t make it easy. I had hurt Doug and felt shame about it. I feared that if I shared my shame with my friends that they would judge me … and even worse, withdraw their love. So I kept silent about what was happening with my marriage and what I was feeling in my heart. In harboring my secrets and focusing on my fear of exposure, I did the unthinkable and also hurt my friends. Ginette later told me that she felt betrayed by my lack of honesty with her, as well as pain towards my decision to not share my feelings with her. Friendship involves an unspoken trust to share oneself with another. I let my fear of not being lovable overcome my love for Ginette. I feared that she would abandon me in my spoken brokenness, and what I unwittingly did was abandon her. I stepped away from the love I longed for and I have regret over my actions to this day.  However, I was blessed by Ginette’s patience and willingness to not give up on me. She never did. I am truly thankful and grateful for both Ginette and Craig. One of the casualties of divorce is losing treasured friendships … not for lack of caring but for lack of knowing how to navigate and be comfortable with the turbulence of emotions that divorce leaves in it’s wake. The true beauty of our friendship is it’s authenticity. We love without judgment. We trust each other to be our ‘real’ selves. I can now be vulnerable and ugly in all my perfect imperfections,  and then rest in the grace of their loving acceptance. I am no longer afraid of not being enough when I am in their company. They have saved me from myself time and time again with their effortless love. And I love, love, love them for all of that! Being with them on this island has given me pause to reflect upon our friendship and how it has shaped my life. I am in awe of their beautiful spirits. I breathe in their love and blend it with mine … and then breathe out this love to share with all the world. Trust yourself to be loving and know you are lovable. Teach your children that they are loving and lovable. Thank your family and friends for their love, and Thank the universe for it’s loveability.