Guidelines for Parenting through Divorce

My pregnancy was a blissful time. It was our oasis in the growing desert of our marriage. Our focus became our baby and we were both grateful for this time of refuge. We thought about our future as parents and communicated happily about our dreams for our child. I was hopeful that this baby would dispel my despondency towards my marriage and that we would be able to create a family that was deeply bonded in love and joy. I knew beyond a doubt that Doug was going to be an amazing father and bestow gifts of love, tenderness and grace upon our newborn child with much more natural ease than myself. Given my lack of self love, there were times when I felt I had to struggle to conjure up the compassion and empathy that came forth so easily from Doug’s spirit.

Madison’s birth was a time of great joy and infinite thankfulness. Falling in love with our baby is an almost indescribable experience. It was a moment of such devotional love, trust and feelings of protection that were imprinted upon this sacred little being for life. It was an unconditional commitment requiring no thought, no doubt no derision … a pure and holy act of faith that changed us forever. I think the love I felt for Madison was my first experience of loving someone unconditionally.

The first few months with Madison were all-consuming as they are with all new parents. However, Madison also suffered from an extreme case of colic that added additional worrisome stress and distance between her father and me. She would scream and cry off and on all day and into the early hours of the morning. Doug and I would have to eat our meals separately so that Madison could be walked and soothed in the ‘body baby bag’. We took turns walking with her while the other one got some rest. I started sleeping in a twin bed we had put in the nursery so that Doug could get some sleep before having to go to work. Our days and nights were absorbed with trying to comfort our baby and feeling so sorry for her pain. We wanted her to love her world and to have others love her. So, I basically sequestered her and myself for the four months it took for the colic to resolve. And then, magically, she was a happy healthy baby and I went back to work.

I waited for the feeling of sexual desire to return to our marriage. It was as elusive as that last moment of sunset when the stunning streaming lights of color disappear on the horizon never to be seen in exactly that same glorious way again. I prayed for renewed passion, I prayed for God’s benevolence upon us, and I prayed to heal my spirit so that I could make things right for our family. What I didn’t know at the time was that God did answer my prayers but not in the way I had anticipated. 

The decision to separate was not easy and it was devastatingly painful. However, the silence, hurt and confusion we were both feeling in our inertia was almost suffocating, and it certainly had an impact on Madison as she absorbed our unhealthy energy. I think the act of separation is paradoxical. In some ways it can be a form of release of pressure from the guilt one feels … it can create a space where one lives in reflection and hope … and it can be an opportunity for seeking help with the intention of personal growth and resolution. On the other hand, it can open up different ways of being where one just wants to escape … does not believe in or trust in personal work … or who thinks the circumstances of their situation are not a reflection of their personal choices and chooses to give credit to external forces. Either way, separation presents us with unknowns. And it is in those unknowns that we find a freedom that allows us exploration and the ability to re-create ourselves.

Separation put Doug and I on different personal paths and I can and will only speak to mine in future blogs. Maybe one day Doug will want to share his perspective with you, but that will be his decision. When it came to parenting our daughter, we discussed and set up new ground rules for our family. These worked so well that they are now a natural part of our relationship today and continue to positively shape who we are as a divorced family.

Make your child the center of all decisions.

This is the most critical rule of them all. Every single time you and your partner must make a decision regarding your separation/divorce, ALWAYS as yourself, “Is this in the best interest of our child?” Always ask this. This is the one question that centered Doug and me the most. It helped us make the right decision every time.

Fight kindly and behind closed doors.

Remember that every time you display unhealthy anger in front of your child, you negatively change who they are as a human being. There are ways to fight that are respectful and kind such as no yelling, no name-calling, and no frightful gesturing. You can set fighting ground rules for yourselves. And, if you are not able to fight kindly, then do it when the children are not around you 

Allow your child to love the other parent.

All children want to love their Mother and Father. They want to know that they are loved equally in return. This is essential for their well-being and their ability to love healthily as an adult. This can be a difficult one for parents – especially for the parent that feels betrayed, abandoned or misunderstood. And granted, there are some parents that don’t deserve the love of their children. However, rest assured that as the child becomes an adult, they will see their parents as the broken human beings they truly are. It is important that you let your child make this realization on their own 

Consider sending your child to a Marriage/Family Counselor for a few sessions.

A young child, when exposed to separation/divorce usually always feels guilt but may not understand it or be able to express it. They also have fears of abandonment and can feel insecure about the unwanted changes in their life. And the parents are dealing with their own painful feelings and may not be as emotionally available to their children as they’d like to be. It is extremely helpful to have your child see a Counselor that specializes in helping children through divorce. They can make the difference between having the child deal with these emotions in the ‘now’ and resolve them versus having the child grow into an adult with underlying emotional baggage full of irrational fears 

Be open to developing a new sense of family.

Be open to developing a new kind of ‘family’ relationship. This is a matter of understanding that although you have separated or divorced, you will always and forever be a family because of your children. It is important to know that you do not have to accept what our society has defined as a broken family. This is the time to explore what kind of family you would like to be going forward. It can be a creative process and should involve all the members of your family in its creation. Ask yourself, your ex, and your children how they would like to be as a family now that divorce has become a part of their lives.

You are a family forever … why wouldn’t you choose to be a joyful one?

I know that these are ‘always’ and ‘never’ statements. Being human, I want to acknowledge that we are all imperfect and all loving and all loveable at the same time. So, hold yourself gently, and know that the best is within you when you act from love and forgiveness for self and others. 

I will share more of this philosophy in my next blog.