Grief is about remembering

‘Grief more than Death, renders us silent’.   Anna Quindlen

As I enter the holiday season I give pause to reflect upon the lived experience of grief. How many of us including you know someone who has suffered through the loss of a loved one? I can’t think of a single person in my life that hasn’t dealt with a loss of some kind. Some losses are more profound and heartbreaking than others. The grieving process is still the same, whether it is the loss of a home, a marriage, a friendship, a job, a friend, a parent, a pet, an adult child, an infant, or a miscarriage. I’m sure this list is not exhaustive. Part of our human journey is to experience loss, hold it in our hearts and then choose how to continue living. It is a universal condition.

Grief is a process filled with meaning because it is all about remembrance. It is never about forgetting. It’s about remembering our losses and our loved ones through memories we painfully and joyfully bring into existence. We live with our memories, clarifying what is important to us and what is not, what endures, and what naturally fades away.

Grief can emotionally overwhelm us at times … it has been likened to a temporary state of insanity. The pain of grief can distort our reality, making life seem unreal and dream-like. Our thoughts become confused and delusional. Our beliefs about life and faith are challenged. After my mother died, I had countless dreams that she was still alive and just ‘away’ with no known address. She would always come back home and then I would wake up ~ believing she was still mortal. It would take me a few minutes to realize my reality. Loving memories, over time, helped ameliorate my pain and released me from the insaneness of grief. I still grieve her loss, but it is now with a tender and comfortable pain.

Growth and transformation can emerge with the anguish of grief. Why? Because grief and other disruptive life events force choice points for expanding our consciousness and creating new patterns of living. Through our thoughts, emotions and behaviors, we forge a new sense of self and life is re-created.

I’d like to believe that my new sense of self has chosen to incorporate the essence of my lost loved ones into my very being. That I carry within me the love that we shared when they were here with me ~ that they still walk alongside me and that their love for me is still very much alive. I can sense their energy, and I can feel their presence when I’m quiet and being mindful. Sometimes my mother comes to me in the lingering scent of a rose flower. Sometimes I find solitary feathers letting me know I am not alone. Sometimes a soft and cool breeze will caress my face when I’m lying so still and thinking about them. …that breeze almost feels like I’m being kissed, and I am left feeling happy, at peace, and grateful for their eternal love.

I wish for all my family, friends, and community, that your personal relationship with grief is filled with self-compassion, forgiveness, and faith. That when you walk alongside your grief, your loving memories will ease your pain … giving you peace, and hope for healing into wholeness. Blessings and love to all during this holiday season.